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Back to Tales from the
Tales from the Holler
King of Caulk
(to the tune of King of Pain by the Police)
Theres a tube of caulk
in my gun
Its the same old caulk
Theres 50 more pounds
behind the door
Ive a sinking feeling
that there’ll be more
Over the last few months,
a variety of stories about the history of our 125+ year old home
have been divulged to us from several sources. The original two
story home was where the head family lived when our holler was a
post-civil war town called Link. The living room and kitchen was
once the post office which was rolled via logs and mules and connected
to the main home back in the roaring twenties. At some point during
the last 25 years the old post office which had been 3 rooms became
the great room (also known as our living room) and the front porch
became the kitchen.
History says that during those turbulent 1960s this house which
had no running water or heat, had been rented to numerous bands
of gypsies. In the 70s it was purchased by a woman who had 8 kids
from 8 different fathers. She was known to the others in town as
the Pig Lady (and I’m sure known as a few other descriptive
terms, but my mom reads these so I’m gonna keep it clean).
She ran a pig farm, and legend has it that she let some of the pigs
roam freely -- in the house. Before she decided to sell, she tried
to burn down the barns to collect insurance money. However, while
she took the matches to the barn she had organized a caravan of
trucks to cart off the pigs. At least that’s what how the
story was told to me by various sources.
In the late 90s the house was sold to a couple whom we bought the
house from. They were responsible for bringing the house back to
life. The man is a mythical character in these parts. Various accounts
from the locals say that he was in the Special Forces for 3 tours
in Vietnam and spent many months alone in the jungle. He has no
compunctions about what it takes to live off the land for example;
if he had severed his leg while hunting he’d probably sew
it back on with fishing line. He is that kind of a guy. His wife,
is a master cook and will behead a chicken, clean it and serve it
for dinner on the same night.
When we bought the house, I demanded that the duck and deer silk-screened
paneling had to come off of the walls in the great room. (pictures
will come later). Doc began the renovation back in April, by August
I was able to pitch in. Now in October, we are finally coming closer
to the end. The renovation was not without its issues like finding
electricians to actually show up to do a job and getting a price
on flooring then having it shipped. All the simple things seemed
to take forever. It wasn’t until we actually started to tear
things out that we began to notice it: Caulk.
Caulk held down the linoleum in the
kitchen; it held the ice maker tubing in place on the fridge and
along the wall; it patched large gaping holes in the vinyl siding
of the house; it was even used as ceiling texture. Everywhere we
looked, caulk was there. In the bathroom, caulk was used like the
expense accounts of Tyco’s CEO. The backboard of the bathtub
faucet looks like a butter cream birthday cake. To the vet and cook,
Caulk was the 8th wonder of the world. Consequently, one late night
while covered in grime and construction dust, I dubbed the previous
owner the King of Caulk. Perhaps the coronation was too soon.
Yesterday, I had the privilege to meet the previous owners’
son. The son is a very nice man whose wealth of knowledge simply
astounded me and works as a government construction contractor.
He gave us advice on doing drywall (of course after we had just
finished it) and other home repair tips. But his best tip of all
was: “If you’ve done your best, Caulk the rest!”
Doc and I gave a quick knowing glance at each other. He then added
that he, himself had done a lot of the fixin' on this house.
That statement made my mind wander. All of a sudden, the room became
an old movie theater during WWII and on the screen was a newsreel.
There I was in black and white on the screen in a fancy feathery
hat dressed like the Queen Mum waving to the crowds and quickly
speeding off in a shiny black rolls royce. Then the spinning newspaper
headline comes up and reads :
King abdicates throne to
son by order of Prime Mistress
and her cabinet!
And the voiceover man who had that booming tell
all voice said:
In a historic decision based upon new
facts, the King will pass the crown to his son who is justly deserving
of this most righteous title of the throne. Long live the King of
Caulk. The Prime Mistress was unavailable for further comment though
she was spotted having a cozy lunch of cucumber sandwiches, two
chocolate bon-bons. and a martini.
Featuring some of the finest hits ever recorded about Caulk!
50 Ways to Leave your Caulk Gun
Just fill in the crack Jack
Dab a little round the Fan, Stan
Don't need on the Boy, Roy
Just set your self free.
Caulking, got some chips show-in,
Keep Caulking, like the caulking man, Together more or less it's
fine, Just keep caulkin' on...
With all your jive caulkin'
You’re fillin' the lines, yeah
Don't get in my eyes
It’s just your jive caulkin’
That gets in my way
I see a little caulk
Cause a little caulk will do
Skalah boosh skalah boosh
Can you do the fandango,
Blunder bolts of caulking,
Very very frightening
Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he caulk at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead?
Has he thoughts within his head?
We’ll just caulk him there
Why should we even care?
When a problem comes along
You must caulk it
Before the tub leak gets to strong
You must caulk it
When something's going wrong
You must caulk it
Now Caulk it Good
NewWave Caulk Hits
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I Just Can't Caulk Enough
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